Informally Informed

I am making lots of assumptions here.

Maybe his intimacy level will just be, for example, 7/10.
Mine and what I normalize other people’s level will be 9/10.

And it really comes down to a question of whether he wants to be further intimate or not. This has got nothing to do with our personalities. You can love someone passionately, but your display of intimacy might always be so low. Anyway,
If yes, then I reckon all this is worth it.
If not, then I can only be his friend to help him.

I have also learnt that it is increasingly hard for me to become close with someone. Gradually I learnt that being close someone means not sharing intimacy, good times and memories with them, but also sharing a big part of my life and my personality with the person. I cannot do this over and over again to different people/guys. This isn’t a design project, where if one approach fails you can start afresh. I can’t do it; and the more people I spend relationships with, the less I am willing to be attached to a new person.
(It must all sound promiscuous, but that isn’t my attitude here).

Last night I spent some time with this guy who is (quote) “still god damn crazy” about me. I said, obviously  we’re adults now, and we have to deal with these feelings and attachments maturely. I am never going to cheat on a guy. Now this one I had felt for him about a year ago; but somehow, like he said, I was always “not available” or taken. I said, Liar. I was single for more than a months during November and December. But that’s not the main issue here.
We hugged for a long time. It must be hard for him, because he’s so busy with his music career that he doesn’t get to meet other girls. That is one problem there. Then he posed it as “There hasn’t been another girl after you.” Regardless of the authenticity of this statement, what I was concerned about was whether I am going to unconsciously rely my lack of emotional support and intimacy on him. I cannot do that; he is my friend, not boyfriend. But even hugging felt like a sin, because all his affection towards me somehow mends my lack of needs. You know what I mean.

Point is, it did make me rethink a lot of things. Which came to my resolution above this morning. That’s the intimacy trust thing I have to figure out and decide with M. He’s a guy, and obviously I’m not just going to blurt out the direct question (”How intimate do you think you can be, hun?”) sarcastically.
But yea.

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